Insights July 11, 2013

I am a certified psychometrician. I have another Masters degree in reading and language disorders. I have a PhD in organizational leadership. I am trained and skilled in conflict resolution. I am unusually kind and loving toward animals, all animals. I am pretty sensitive and decent to human beings as well. Can anyone help me understand how I can shriek myself hoarse, until I see stars, and verbally abuse the man I have been married to for 45 years, the father of my children? I understand his disorder. I realize he cannot help what he has become. I even have enormous empathy for his feelings of loss.....and yet..... I would really like to know and understand the size of anger that happens to me under certain circumstances...why do I want to leave him standing in traffic when he cannot learn or remember no matter how many times he's shown or how recently I've demonstrated, for example, showing him how to buckle his seat belt in the car. Not only can't he remember, he complains in such a way that he has decided it's all my fault. No matter what has happened, he self protects into "I told you that would happen.." So it's really all my fault. I think I must have been a princess all my life. Although I certainly have had the requisite amount of self esteem and the typical self centeredness that comes with that, I thought I had always been pretty sensitive to others and their needs. Maybe not. Maybe I have really been a codependent type martyr and only nice for what I could manipulate out of it for ME. Because I remain enraged at what has befallen both of us with this disease and I rail about it every day. Out loud.