Monday, July 29, 2013

The Abyss July 21

As I move along the inexorable ruler of time, I trust my elders less and less. I yearn to be with younger folks...especially my own family as they have the most appreciation for me. Elders can no longer be trusted to be there. To fool the vagaries of death's sure grip. They will fall off that moving sidewalk of life, right in front of you, right when you need them most. No, they are not to be relied upon. Look to the youth to feel happy, reasonably secure and satisfied. Although their company is not absolutely fulfilling either. They are tentacled to the demands of their own places in time. They must provide. They must oversee their young. They have less actual free time to just be, to live in the moment. Hmmmmmm...the very young then? They are remarkable to be with, to study, to watch develop and learn to think. But it is a singular avocation. They can't return the favor of deep thoughts acquired through experience and over the full spectrum of time's passage. That leaves the peers and when peers sicken and fall over like the elders, it is terrifying. Like a raven's wings, dark and broader than you would guess, a screaming sadness, a grief overcomes me. Perhaps I see a more distinct decline in him, perhaps I am juggling various prescription drugs in my efforts to sleep, to "..knit up the ragged sleeves of time." (sorry, Mr. Shakespeare) Perhaps it's that I started to read for the first time in a long time and the choice, "The Glass Castle," was so bleak and such a vision of strength in someone else's suffering, that mine pales by comparison. Perhaps it is the yawning clutches of death's grip I see in my old cat and occasionally in my beloved grand dog. Perhaps it is the loss of my beloved Aunt, who was so special that at 96 she still had hundreds of people at her funeral, mourning and keening their deep sense of loss, even as they tried to celebrate her long wonderful life, filled with wonder and service to others. It is most likely all these things together. But rulers and ravens aside, I am on a journey of unknowns and I am fighting hard for the faith to see me through.

No comments:

Post a Comment