Saturday, June 9, 2012
May 6, 2012 My friend once told me that her divorce was "unclean"; that is, she couldn't grieve the loss as she would the death of a spouse. I am witnessing the death of my spouse which is taking a very very very long time. It's sort of like watching someone you love become consumed by rust, rather than the merciful speed of clean flames. There is nothing clean about this process, either physically or emotionally. You have to become a marathoner even though your every training has only been in the sprint department in order to survive. Another friend, whose husband is going through the same process, said this: "Every day is the same. Every day is different." Such insight. It is monotonous, boring, and isolating. It makes me escape the burgeoning joys around me..the springtime promises of fresh clean air, of new life springing forth from mother earth and new mothers of every species. Even in our own family I am witnessing the gestation and impending birth of new life, and yet..the darkness of the slow, steady loss is still compounding my thoughts and imprisoning me in my own mind. The newness that happens every other day or so, the changes that dispel actual monotony, are negative...the newness of continuing, relentless loss.