Monday, January 16, 2012

I love him.

I have abandonment issues. I suppose it started with the death of my father when I was an infant. (I still yearn for a model for the grey green eyes that stare back at me in the mirror.) The subsequent shifting of relationships and places of residence didn't help with this obsession. We had a big family and the various family members I invested in seemed to gradually fail and die. Of course everyone dies in time, but for some reason I have indulged in the "magical thinking" that these events were somehow related in a causal manner to me!
The loss this year of my therapist fits right into this strange phenomena. She taught me so much. She helped me be kinder to myself and to accept the things I didn't like about myself. She helped me see that everything about each of us, all the shame and the the things we don't like about ourselves, make up the whole. In other words, we wouldn't be who we are without ALL of what we've been. Very important stuff. But it didn't help her from being associated with someone who would, of course, see her demise. (magical thinking at work!)
I act like a fishwife around him. I have finally reached some equilibrium about having to do everything, to be responsible for EVERYTHING, but now I have to deal with doing everything over again. He 'helps' by taking everything out of the suitcases after I have finally packed and planned our needs, for both of us. Have to do it all over again. He 'helps' by bringing the garbage can back into the garage---full---before the garbage man has come. Have to do it over again.
So it's back to the fishwifery behavior for me, and the subsequent tears and apologies. My therapist would say, after these confessions, "You love him."
That I do. And he is gradually abandoning me, through no fault or desire of his own. This is hard.

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