Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I am a pretty optimistic girl.  Opinionated, stubborn, outspoken to be sure, but optimistic nonetheless.  I am known for laughing a lot and finding humor in most things.  It has served me well over the years.  I don't get easily embarrassed;  I don't mind that I am a prime candidate for a "What Not To Wear" makeover.  I think it is exciting and adventurous to find myself without answers.  I love puzzles and problems and the process of learning and discovering.  I am quick to admit when I don't know something or am wrong about something.  I have been told that some people gravitate to me because of these traits. (We have all been told in some psych journal or other that you should spend time with 'upbeat' people, as any other kind 'pulls you down'.)  Those who so gravitate suffer some themselves, so they often mistakenly believe that it is somehow easy for me to be that way--that it is a natural condition for me.  I beg to differ.
My natural proclivities might lean in that direction, but I remain painfully aware at all times how close to the precipice of horror I teeter.  That yawning chasm of pain and darkness that pulls at all our psyches from time to time.  I tippy-toe along that line, occasionally peeking into the darkness, over the edge of sanity and gasp at the depth of sadness and loss that lurks below.  I consciously and vigorously create lemonade as fast as I can, to increase sunshine and hope in my world.
These days I have to run faster than I have thought possible to mix that pitcher full.  The losses are coming daily and they change from moment to moment much quicker than I can muster any sort of pleasure in the problem solving process.
I don't feel sorry for myself, though I struggle almost daily with anger.  I can't, in good conscience, say "why me" or "why him", as the answer, obviously, is "why not?".  But struggle I do.  Sometimes the anger is caused by my inability to mix my lemonade, leaving me without my usual coping technique: mix equal parts optimism, denial, and avoidance.  Sprinkle with imagination and a dash of courage.  Serve hot or cold.

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